I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?
Today I’m doing a union spread where I pick three cards.
Focus – Twelve of Water Inverted
Recently a couple of my family members have graciously offered me gifts, of which I have been very tentative to accept. While I’m glad people want to give me things I’m also somewhat terrified that they’ll come with some sort of weird strings attached since my abusers used to use gifts as a means of control. I guess now I need to work on seeing gifts and just gifts now that I’ve cut the toxic people out of my life. I need to work on being happy about accepting things instead of being terrified of accepting things.
Soul – Major Arcana – Twenty Three Integrity
I think this is just reaffirming that I’ve made the right choice in first and formost being honest with myself and upholding a promise to myself that I will do everything in my power to make sure that I no longer allow people in my life to abuse me. Like, normally I would put a bunch of other people’s needs before my own, and it got to the point that I couldn’t even take care of myself anymore — and I had to make a change. Reinforcing this change is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do before. It feels weird, but at the same time it feels right and gives me a sense of peace.
Let Two Become One – Five of Water
I mean, my parents are basically dead to me now, and I’m still working on processing that. And while I’m incredibly grateful for the people who are in my life, I’m somewhat afraid that everything is all a façade and will turn out just like my parents. As for how this card ties the other two together, I guess I need to trust my morals and be accepting of the other people who are still in my life instead of remaining in a somewhat constant fear. It’s going to be very hard to truly put my fear and doubts aside, but hey I’m going to therapy to work on that — and that’s really the best thing I can be doing.
This card was pulled from the Dreams of Gaia Tarot set by Ravynne Phelan – it’s sort of a hybrid oracle deck that I’ve really been enjoying. The accompanying book for this set really makes sense to my brain.