I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?
Today I’m just pulling a single card while asking how to work through depression – because it really doesn’t seem to be budging this week even though I’ve been forcing myself to do things.
Four of Water – Inverted
Awareness
Self-Acceptance
Deserving
Not inverted this card makes sense for this question. Inverted, I’m not so sure. I don’t really feel like I’m on the precipice of making decisions right now that could help me but also negatively affect other people in my life. Maybe it’s just an overall symbol of the need to be more kind and accepting of how things are both to myself and others around me. It’s really hard to love yourself through depression. I know I need to do it. I know I need to perform basic acts of self care like brushing my teeth and hair and actually putting on clothes. These should be easy tasks that I don’t even have to think about, and yet most days lately these feel like monumental tasks.
Actually, maybe that’s the takeaway of it being inverted. Some days having depression makes me not give a single fuck if I decide to do basic self care – and that could be affecting my spouse. I mean yes, it’s my body and my autonomy and all that jazz, but we’re social creatures and have a tendency to reflect each other’s energy. What’s weird about my depression (and is something I’m working on) is that I don’t give a flying flip if I take care of myself as long as the people around me are taken care of. (I grew up in a household that taught you can’t take care of yourself until you take care of the loudest whining person … even if you’re burning the candle at both ends … because if you don’t do that then you’re being selfish — which is super toxic and something I’m desperately trying to unlearn.) The end goal eventually is to shift my thinking to taking care of my basic needs first so I have energy to give to others that isn’t stressful and filled with negativity. In the interim, perhaps it would be easier to shift my thinking to “taking care of myself is taking care of my partner, so I better tend to my basic needs.” Perhaps those two modes of thought are very similar, but I think they carry a slightly different connotation to me at the moment.
This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.
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