I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?
Today my friend is pulling a card for me from Tarot of the Abyss by Ana Tourian. We are doing a partial celtic cross.
Two of Swords
Today in therapy I talked about my frustration about still caring for the toxic people I had to cut out of my life. I was/am frustrated with myself for still caring. What my therapist reminded me of however is that 1) that is completely normal to care for someone who abused you and 2) caring about people is not a bad thing and 3) allowing yourself to feel your emotions is important. I have a tendency to be angry at myself for having emotions even though that’s just a part of the human condition.
I had been doubting my decision to go no contact. I know that I set myself healthy boundaries, and I’m proud of myself for enforcing them. But it still sucks that I needed to enforce those boundaries with my own parents. When I’m feeling frustrated and sad I have a tendency to want to go off on my own to deal with those feelings, but sometimes the isolation itself just makes those feelings worse.
Three of Wands
My goal moving forward with this is in two parts. 1) I need to allow myself to feel my feelings without passing judgement on those feelings. I don’t need to be mad at myself for still caring. Caring is only natural and is a part of who I am. 2) I was already debating setting up an experiment to try to find my “that girl” routine. I like the idea of routines, and I like that the “that girl” trend is a form of self care of accomplishing the goals one sets out to do.
Three of Cups
As I move forward and implement the changes of allowing myself to feel my feelings and reaching for my aspirations, I fully expect those things to bring me a sense of joy. As I go on my journey I have been sharing it on the internet. Perhaps others will join in on my story and we can say a toast to ourselves for trying to become better people during this thing we call life.
Two of Cups
This one I actually view as purely internal. I’ve always felt a large sense of a schism in my mind between the logical and emotional sides of myself. While going through therapy and taking the time out of my day for meditation I hope I am building a stronger sense of connection of my psyche so that those two parts of myself don’t feel so distant anymore and can automatically work in tandem. At the moment those things don’t completely align, but as I’ve gone on my healing journey with therapy they have slowly been coming closer and closer together like mending a hole in a tapestry. I know I still have a good bit of mending to do, but it actually feels doable now that I’m acknowledging the emotional side of myself.
Five of Cups
One of the biggest impactful decisions I have made in my life thus far was to set those healthy boundaries for myself after doing a LOT of introspection. While I have literally had to lose my family members over this, I do feel a sense of hope of finding my new family that does respect me for who I am and does not abuse me or ignore my boundaries. There’s an old saying “Blood is thicker than water” but the full saying is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb” aka “You’re chosen family is wayyy more important than your birth family”.
Overall, the reading today feels very on the nose — especially after going to my therapy session this morning and getting rather riled up about it.