I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?
All that stuff I did yesterday? Yeah … today is an active recovery day. My body is so confused. At some point I woke up in the middle of the night, faffed around a few seconds before going back to sleep, then I woke up thinking it was Saturday … Today is Tuesday … a very rainy Tuesday. And today I feel like doing a union spread.
The Focus/Aspect – Emotions
Acknowledgement
Acceptance
Expression
HOOOOOBOIIIIII have we been working on this this week. The focus of my reading today is, evidently, emotions. I’m still a bit in the beginning stages of acknowledging my emotions without judging them. I think I have been better about allowing myself to feel my emotions, but the next step would be to understand why I’m feeling those emotions in the first place. Today my emotions have ranged from confused to indifferent with little sprinkles of guilt and fear here and there. I can acknowledge them now, but I’m not entirely sure why I’m having them.
The Soul – Three of Earth
Groundwork
Energy Investment
Outcomes
Since this is in the soul position, the three of earth represents my strength in regards to emotion. I am definitely a long term planner with a lot of things. I like to think of it as setting myself up for success with my goals – hence why I’m here writing this blog post in the first place. These posts started a form of reflection so I could understand myself better and improve my overall quality of life.
This is also reminding me about the other part of what I’ve been doing to improve physically. My bloodwork this year has shown that I unequivocally need to lose weight – there’s just no other way of getting my cholesterol numbers down. Yes I tried the medication briefly — it gave me the weirdest headache with vertigo combo I’ve experienced (which is saying something). I got a dietician (which is board certified and a naming convention that actually meets a certain definition by law — unlike “nutritionist” which means absolutely nothing since there is no definition of how to meet that qualification under the law). We made a scientifically backed plan. The plan is doable, and I view it as a lifestyle change instead of a diet. It is completely sustainable. But sometimes, even though I’m doing everything right, the scale just won’t move for a week. It really make me feel defeated, but I keep sticking to the plan anyways even when it feels stupid — because eventually after doing the same thing the whole time things finally start to move again. I allow myself to feel that frustration, but I can’t allow myself to deviate from the plan.
Let Two Become One – The Crone – Inverted
Authenticity
New Purpose
Shadow Self
It is time to be fierce. It is time to fight back. Do not be afraid. Do not give up. The Crone reversed symbolizes the need to go to war if necessary to prove your worth, not to them, but to yourself.
Dreams of Gaia Tarot, p.54
Well, this is pretty self explanatory. I just need to continue to hold my determination to make myself better and follow that plan even if I need to cut people and the ways of thinking they gave me out of my life. So far I’ve accomplished one of those things — I did cut those people out of my life. Unlearning what my parents taught my in my first 26 years of existence however is a bit of a different story. I’ve already done a lot of deprogramming, but I also know that I have a lot more to go … particularly in regards to the feelings of guilt and fear that I’ve experienced today. I know how I got in the habit of feeling bad about my disability (being told I was making it up for attention for years, etc.). I know the words my therapist has used and that I use when I am feeling those feelings, but saying those words, those affirmations, hasn’t really made them feel truly authentic yet. I don’t really know if/when I’ll ever get there, but in the meantime I have a medically prescribed plan, and I’m sticking to it.
This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.
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