I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?
I woke up feeling well, but then I had some major chest and back pain that made me wonder “is this EDS pulling weird shenanigans or is this a heart attack”. So, yeah. Not a great day. I’m just going to do a guide spread today … because I’m tired and also I’m experiencing sporadic vertigo. Yay.
Five of Air
I think I may have been holding onto the idea that my disability could be temporary — after all it didn’t really affect what I wanted to during my childhood and a whole two years of adulthood, right‽‽‽ I’ve accepted where I am now and that things will change quite a bit from day to day, but I’ve not accepted that this is permanent. This is something my partner pokes me about every now and again. They know that I try to ignore my circumstances and do things that set me back more often than they propel me forwards some times. They’re also pretty good about nudging me gently about it in a lighthearted way, but it still bothers me, not in a “you can’t tell me what to do” kind of way so much as it is a child making a sock puppet to mock whatever is being said. It’s a joke, but it’s also a teeny bit snippy.
I don’t know why I’m like this. Like, yes, I still need to have dreams and aspirations and keep moving forward, but, realistically, I don’t think I’m ever going to have a sense of complete independence ever again — and that’s a terrifying thought for me to deal with.
This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.