I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation.
Regularity, who is she? We don’t know her. My body apparently hates spring time. I already knew I don’t do well with rain, but this year, I just feel like I’m deteriorating even more than normal. My days and nights are getting super mixed up, and I can’t force myself to wake up or else I’ll just have a non-epileptic seizure from lack of sleep. Yay, yay me. *sarcasm*
Well, let’s try drawing three cards and seeing what happens. My question tonight is, “What do I need to hear?”
Ten – Wheel of Fortune – Reversed
Lack of Control
Trying to Control What You Cannot
Well this is pretty self explanatory. I keep wanting a semblance of control over my life that I just don’t have anymore and need to come to accept that. Acceptance is hard. I’m pretty sure I’m still in the angry phase. I’m not ready to stop being angry, but I’m at a place where I need to stop being angry. Like, this is a thing that I know needs to happen regardless — I’ve been working on it in therapy, but coping is hard.
Six – The Lovers
Ok, first of all I find this particular reading extra funny right now because my wife recently came out as a trans woman and I happen to have pulled the fem version of this card (yes, I have the expansion pack to this deck and would highly recommend it). My relationship with her is great, in fact now that she’s out she’s taking wayyy better care of herself and has just been much happier in general. Secondly, this card points to caring in general, and lately I haven’t been taking care of myself AT ALL. I’ve felt like a zombie, and have, quite frankly, been jealous of how well my wife has been taking care of herself. Perhaps this is my sign that it’s time to start showing myself a bit more love too.
If you’re friends/family that hasn’t heard this directly yet it’s probably only because we don’t talk to/see you often … especially since we’re still observing pandemic precautions since my likelihood of having a terrible reaction is still very high until I get my Vitamin D3 back to normal levels.
Fifteen – The Devil
I am just getting all kinds of called out today. I’ve also pulled the alternative version of this card where a cat sits contemplating a couple of lovebirds sitting in a tree. My shadow-self has been extra present lately with my depression being all kinds of out of control. In some ways, I’ve been indulging myself in activities to take up my full attention and serve as a distraction — which in many cases is necessary, especially when you’re bullying yourself for having a bad day. It’s better to have the distraction than listen to self-barratement. (I might have just made up that word, but I think you know what I mean.) On the other hand, I don’t feel like I’ve been processing things. I feel like I’ve just been existing, as opposed to truly living. What even does truly living mean anyways? Why is this a thought that I have? Perhaps now is a time to do a bit of reflection to notice when I’m refusing to implement self care, especially since this has been absent from my life now for too many months with the exception of one good day on an occasional week. Maybe I need to address my shadow-self a bit more and have a conversation with it instead of pushing it into a corner and trying to pretend it doesn’t exist.
These cards were pulled from Eric Maille’s The Ink Witch Tarot set.