My Meditation Journey | Episode 37

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

The Abyss Spread

A reading specific to the deck Tarot of the Abyss by Ana Turian, performed in help with a friend.

Who you are
The Eight of Wands

  • Freedom
  • Speed
  • Forward Motion

All about the active force of fire and keeping the project in motion with a renewed sense of enthusiasm, I’ve recently been feeling more like myself and like I have a sense of control, maybe not of my body, but of my intentions and where I choose to focus my intentions. It’s something I’ve been working on in therapy, and I feel like the work is beginning to pay off. 

Where you are at in your life right now
Ten of Wands

  • Burdens
  • Challenges
  • Exhaustion

This card reminds one to shift their focus to prioritize themselves for a change, and boy howdy does this feel relevant. Recently I had to make a decision, do I try to overextend my mind and body to help a beloved person in my life or do I continue on my current path which focuses predominantly on healing? Though it is a difficult thought process for me to grapple with, I ultimately chose to continue to take care of myself. I believe the old turn of phrase for this is, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. To most people this would automatically make sense and perhaps not even be a question, but coming from my background if very much was. I’m glad that I took a moment to step back and truthfully evaluate what I’m capable of to come to the right decision.

What your spirit wants
Seven of Wands

  • Courage
  • Strength
  • Tenacity

I have a feeling that I may have to end up defending the position I took with my interpretation of the Ten of Wands. To see this come up as a sign that my spirit is aligned with my decision is comforting. I may need to defend myself from the abusers that may try to worm their way back into my life, but I will remain steadfast in my decisions because those decisions came from a very healthy place for a reason.

Your doubts and fears
Three of Wands

  • Momentum
  • Implementation
  • Trust of Preparation

I very much have a tendency to second guess myself even when I know I’ve done the best I can and that I took the proper amount of time and energy devoted to making that decision. Seeing this card come up in the doubts and fears position is hilarious because I already know that I do this quite frequently. Perhaps it is a reminder to listen to myself, even in the previous writings of this post.

The past that influenced you
Seven of Cups

  • Wishful Thinking
  • Fantasy
  • Reality

I very much enjoy Fantasy as a genre, it is often my escape from my reality when I just can’t handle what’s happening in my life. It’s also something I turn to in general just for entertainment even when things are going well. I avoided the truth of needing to take care of myself for a very long time until it finally started manifesting itself physically; being able to take that action took me a very long time to do, but I’m glad I did it. 

What you need to focus on
Five of Pentacles

  • Hardship
  • Illness
  • Health

I’m literally about to shell out a ton of money to get some answers about my health in the month of November. ‘nough said.

What you should be grateful for
Two of Swords

  • Masks
  • Decision
  • Impasse

I was at an impasse on healing for a chunk of my life. Now I look at my past not as a place I’m stuck in but as a place to acknowledge and heal from. I’m grateful I’ve taken the steps towards healing and moving on from that place where I was stuck for so very very long.

What you need to let go of
Page of Wands

  • Optimism
  • Initiative
  • Stoking the Fire

I still to live in my past, in my past abilities with my past optimism that I can do anything I set my mind to. Now I look at my reality and realize that I am in a defective body and that perhaps reaching for those old goals is not only not realistic but also causing me more distress by reaching for things that I legitimately cannot have anymore. I’m not throwing optimism in general out the window, but it may be helpful to pull my head out of the clouds and look towards more suitable goals.

What does the universe want you to know
Queen of Swords

  • Centered
  • Calm
  • Reflection

I think this just reaffirms that I’m on the right track. I haven’t always wanted to find my truths, but the Queen faces those truths head on. What I’m working towards now is affirming my center and finding my sense of peace and calm. 

What some of your strengths are
Temperance

  • Balance
  • Acceptance
  • Stability

I feel like this is a core value that I strive for. I’m not sure I always execute it well, but my goals and intentions reach for finding balance and stability amongst the chaos. Like, when I’m angry I know I need to take a step back, breathe, and try to see things from a different angle than where I’m coming from, then coming back to make a decision from a sense of acceptance. 

What you can accomplish
Knight of Cups

  • Control
  • Direction
  • Focus

Oh this feels like hitting a nail on the head again, going back again to having intention and steering that intention. I still don’t feel like I know what I’m doing yet, but I know that with practice in setting my intentions that it will get easier in time. 

What you’ve learned
Four of Cups

  • Indifference
  • Apathy
  • Ignoring Opportunities

Ok the cards are officially at it again. I’ve definitely been in a place of apathy. Heck, this week is the first time in ages that I don’t feel completely apathetic about life. I’ve learned from my past that sometimes you have to be open to the possibilities and opportunities that are out there, because you might not see them unless you go looking for them — even if they’re right under your nose.

Potential future outcome
Justice

  • Fairness
  • Inner Voice
  • Equilibrium

I mean yeah, it makes sense that this would be a possible future outcome based on what I’m currently working on in general. I’m looking to solidify my inner voice based on my intention and not that of others, evaluating what I find to have true value, and acting accordingly.

My Meditation Journey | Episode 36

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

Six – The Clouds

Confusion
Lack of Clarity or Focus
Poor Weather

The shenanigans continue! It’s been raining on and off all day today. To say that I have a tendency to feel lost in life and not know where I’m going with my future is an understatement. My therapist has been trying to get me to try a zoomed in approach instead of a zoomed out approach, as in focusing on intentions in the moment instead of worrying about where I’ll be eventually, to focus on living in the now. Also trying to file for disability or at least be recognized as disabled by the government is very confusing. On the plus side I think I found a law firm that may be able to help me with it, and the only way I would be paying them is with back pay from social security if they win my case — which is great because it means I’m not paying any expenses out of my pocket.

I guess the moral of my story today is, even if you feel super lost and confused and nothing makes sense, taking baby steps by focusing on what you can do in the moment can be a helpful practice to observe.

This card was pulled from Eric Maille’s The Paper Oracle Deck with Guide Booklet.

My Meditation Journey | Episode 35

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

Sixteen – The Stars

Progress Towards Goals
Spirituality
Optimism

… I think the cards are at it again … After receiving a bad blood/cholesterol report from my doctor this year I decided I needed to make some changes. We tried medication at first to get a jump start on it, but my body REALLY didn’t like it — like really weird headaches I’ve never experienced before plus vertigo. The only things left I could change without medication were my activity and eating habits, and I really don’t have much control over when my body decides to cooperate so, realistically, I mostly have control over what goes in my mouth. I knew part of what would help me form healthy habits for the right reasons would be to get myself back into therapy with a LPC, so I got back into therapy and started making steady progress towards my goals.

After making some great progress everything came grinding to almost a complete halt when my insurance decided to tell me that they would not be covering one of my medications at all anymore, they even told my patient advocate this. About a month later my patient advocate kicks it to another person on their team who specifically works the pharmacology side of things. Pharmacology person calls insurance again to see exactly why the medication that worked well is no longer being covered after I’ve had bad results on two months of another medication they suggested — all to find out that I could have been on the one that worked well this entire time with a prior authorization on file. Mind you, I had already asked insurance if I needed paperwork aka a prior authorization on file, and they told me that wasn’t an option.

Pharmacology person works everything out, my doctor sends in the paperwork for the prior authorization, and two days ago I get back on the medication that actually improves my life. What I didn’t realize would happen is that my mental health would improve so much (it’s a hormone regulating drug; I really shouldn’t be this surprised). I’ve been completely apathetic for the previous two months, when my goals ground to a halt. Within the two days I’m already back on track with where I was before, making progress at about the same pace as before.

I’m proud of myself for still grinding forward, ever so slowly, with my goals even during those two months when doing anything felt like pulling teeth, and I’m very happy to feel like I’m all the way back on track again. It’s really important to me to form new, non abusive habits, and I think what I’m doing, what I’ve been doing, is actually working. I’m working on it from all the sides I can think of, spiritually, medically, emotionally, physically; I want this healthy habit to stick, and I think I’ve finally found how to do it.

This card was pulled from Eric Maille’s The Paper Oracle Deck with Guide Booklet.

Pumpkin Spice Syrup

Watch me make the pumpkin spice syrup as part of this video. Time Stamp: 14:54-17:54

The Recipe

Ingredients:
2 Cinnamon Sticks
2 Teaspoons Cloves
2 Teaspoons Allspice
2 Teaspoons Cardamom
2 Tablespoons Maple Syrup (or any form of sugar)
1-2 Tablespoons Sugar Free Sweetener (or any form of sugar)
1 Cup Water
*all of the spices are in their whole form*

Directions:
Boil together until reduced by about half. Take off of heat and let cool together until room temperature; aka walk away for 30 minutes to an hour. Strain out the spices and store, covered, in the refrigerator for about a week. Use your senses, if it looks or smells off it’s always a good idea to dump it. Mine doesn’t tend to stick around for much more than 3 to 5 days since I have a tendency to use it liberally.

If you want a version that can last up to 3 months in cold storage then make a 2 to 1 simple syrup that is 2 parts sugar to 1 part water along with the rest of those spices; just test out to see if it needs a reduction. Dip a spoon in it to see how thick the syrup is and count on it getting thicker once chilled. If you want me to actually make a simple syrup for an alcoholic adaptation let me know in the comments.

How to Make Pumpkin Spice Tea/Coffee

Ingredients:
1-2 Tablespoons Pumpkin Spice Syrup
1-2 Tablespoons Pumpkin Spice Cream (or plain creamer … I’m just a basic bitch that’s excited about fall)
12oz liquid of choice (tea or coffee – you probably already have a way you like to prepare yours, but I’ll leave how I do it in the directions)

Directions:
I usually use at least 1 tablespoon of tea. If you don’t want caffeine use red tea. Steep the tea leaves in boiled water for about 5 minutes. Technically you could leave the red tea in indefinitely since it doesn’t have a bunch of tannins. If you want a caffeinated cup use your favorite black tea and steep it in boiled water for 2 to 3 minutes or however you like to take yours. I usually set my timer for two minutes because I’ll usually have poured the cup and faffed around a bit before getting around to setting the timer. I’ve also tried this with earl grey which also works – it’s very different, but the citrus of the bergamot plays well with the spices. Stir in as much pumpkin spice flavored things as you like. I just eyeball mine, or on days when I have a migraine and can barely see I just pour, stir, and sniff until it smells right.

My Meditation Journey | Episode 34

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

I think my recent change in medication might actually be having something to do with my mental health, because I’m not completely apathetic today either.

Seven – The Snake

Secrets
Hidden Information
Temptations

Well I just got off the phone with the hospital trying to figure out if my insurance has approved an up to 7 day inpatient procedure for neural testing, and I’m waiting for them to call me back with some answers. To say this estimated cost of billing and insurance processing is secretive is beyond being “on the nose”. I hate not having universal health care. It’s a nightmare trying to navigate the United States health insurance market while being disabled with a neural defect. Did I mention that my doctor told me I needed to hire a lawyer in order to access the disability benefits I deserve? Also I’m poor so being able to afford a lawyer in order to get the financial and mental assistance I need is next to impossible to do in a remotely timely manner. I have to try to apply for SSI, wait for months to find out I failed because I don’t know how to file for it properly because I have a literal brain defect, and then I *MIGHT* get access to a law firm who does this stuff for very little cost to possibly for free. I am beyond frustrated. Also I wouldn’t be a bit surprised to find out a different hospital system is committing insurance fraud – because when my partner called and asked questions they magically made some charges go *poof* and proceeded to tell us they just don’t charge for small claims … even though they’ve sent me a bill for much less before which I have paid for. The moral of this story is don’t trust anything in the American health care system.

This card was pulled from Eric Maille’s The Paper Oracle Deck with Guide Booklet.

My Meditation Journey | Episode 33

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

I don’t know how, but somehow doing stuff today doesn’t completely feel like pulling teeth. I wouldn’t say I’m excited to do things, but I’m also not completely apathetic for once.

Nine – The Bouquet

Kindness
Acceptance
Appreciation

This is a very pleasant card. I feel like the cards are at it again since I woke up this morning and focused on being kind to myself. Sometimes it’s really hard to work on acceptance, but this is the first time in a very long time that I actually feel some sort of peace with myself. I feel like I’m actually taking good care of myself with trying to set a bed time routine, sticking to my morning routine, and being very deliberate with how I’m using my time. I’ve already done the work of shifting my thinking to “I deserve to be treated the same way I’d treat other people”, and now I feel like I’m actually starting to implement that. Appreciation is a lot more difficult. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel appreciative of being trapped in a defective body, but I can appreciate the fact that I’m making an effort to check in with myself and take care of myself, because that’s kind of a big deal. If you’ve ever had depression I feel like you’ll know that that’s a seemingly undoable thing some days.

This card was pulled from Eric Maille’s The Paper Oracle Deck with Guide Booklet.

My Meditation Journey | Episode 32

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

Doing anything lately seems to be taking a lot of willpower.

Forty – The Storm

Turbulence
Change
Disorganization

Once again I find myself thoroughly amused by the cards; I just set my ambient room noise to “thunderstorm” about five minutes before pulling this card. This card serves as a reminder that there are pros and cons to chaos. Today for instance, I woke up with a headache and had a feelings that today was going to be weird. Usually I would be rather annoyed by this, but I’ve been trying to work on setting small goals to be excited about. I was able to make myself some breakfast and meal prep a few lunches before my headache got worse. Because I’d had breakfast I could take some pain meds. While I waited for the meds to kick in I closed my curtains since I was getting light sensitive. Since closing the curtains didn’t help enough I decided to don an eye mask and listen to an audiobook. It’s not the kind of day I would have picked for myself, but it’s turning into a relaxation day whether I want it or not. Now I think I’ll stop writing since I’m starting to get light sensitive again.

This card was pulled from Eric Maille’s The Paper Oracle Deck with Guide Booklet.

My Meditation Journey | Episode 31

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

Doing anything lately seems to be taking a lot of willpower.

Two – The Clover

Small Joys
Lightheartedness
Contentment

I wasn’t really thinking about anything as I drew this card, but I did have a fun day playing DND with some friends then going out to a haunted wagon ride which was shortly accompanied by some pumpkin ice-cream. My friend even found a couple of bumblebees asleep on some flowers in my garden. One might say this card accurately sums up the kind of day I’ve had. I don’t know what kind of small joys I’ll find tomorrow, but I will be looking for them.

This card was pulled from Eric Maille’s The Paper Oracle Deck with Guide Booklet.

My Meditation Journey | Episode 30

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

I’m still very much on the “can’t even” train. Let me off of this thing.

Twenty Two – The Crossroad

Choices
Opportunities
Options

As I drew this card, I asked what I could do for some self care today since I’m still feeling a bit physically under the weather. This card indicates a sense of free will to choose a path that is best for me. So I suppose I will be indulging in things today as they strike my fancy. I think a nice pumpkin spice latte is in order… and then perhaps some freshly baked bread, provided I have enough energy for that by the time I actually get there. After that, who knows?

This card was pulled from Eric Maille’s The Paper Oracle Deck with Guide Booklet.

My Meditation Journey | Episode 29

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

I’m still very much on the “can’t even” train. Let me off of this thing.

Forty Two – The Stranger – Inverted

The Unknown
Mysteries
Trusting in Oneself

I got some rather bad news yesterday that another person I care about has cancer (at least it isn’t terminal this time I guess?). What really bothers me this time is that I’m not remotely in a place where I can help out because of my own health issues, and it all just makes me feel helpless, especially since they could really use some extra help. It just isn’t fair.

So, it’s rather amusing that l’ve pulled a card about the unknown. I already knew I have issues accepting the unknown in my life; I just prefer not to think about it, until it manages to slap me in the face. I need to learn that sometimes I just have to trust my instincts even if what my instincts are telling me what I don’t want to hear. I may not be able to help out in all the ways they need, but maybe what little I can do will be enough to be appreciated.

This card was pulled from Eric Maille’s The Paper Oracle Deck with Guide Booklet.