I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?
I’m still very much on the “can’t even” train. Let me off of this thing.
Twenty Five – The Ring
Promises Cycles Cooperation
I find it somewhat amusing that I’ve pulled this card shortly after reading some of The Wheel of Time.
As for the context of today’s meditation, allow me to think. Promises. Cycles. Cooperation… I’ve been trying to build a new cycle recently. I want to actually start taking care of myself without judging myself on my bad days. I have to really learn to work with my body instead of fighting it on the days when it can’t even. I promise to treat myself gently and learn to cooperate with what I can do whether the current cycle works well or not. I want to work towards focusing on what I can do right now instead of what I could do before.
This card was pulled from Eric Maille’s The Paper Oracle Deck with Guide Booklet.
I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?
I’m still very much on the “can’t even” train. Let me off of this thing.
Eleven – Healing
Healing Forgiveness Transformation
I find it amusing that I’ve pulled this card while having the early stages of what feels like one of my migraines. This card prompts us to look within ourselves and try to work with what’s going on instead of against what’s going on. Sometimes I forget, or at least try to forget, that I live in a disabled body. I want to do normal things normal ways because that’s what I used to do. I think I should just be able to get up and achieve my goals, but the goals I’ve been setting are unrealistic and then I get mad that I can’t do them. I still need to learn how to roll with the changes that happen from day to day and scale to what my abilities are in the moment. I get stuck living in the past thinking about what I should be able to do because I used to be able to instead of living in the now and trying to be satisfied with what my abilities are now. I’ve just barely been enduring because I keep striving for what I was and not what I am. It will take me a while come to acceptance with where I am, but maybe when I learn to live in the present I’ll learn to enjoy life a little more.
This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.
I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?
My therapist literally prescribed me tarot as homework this week. Have I been doing my homework? Pshhhhhh, no. Apparently I’m still very much on the “can’t even” train. Let me off of this thing.
Nine – Knowledge
Skills Understanding Training
I’m going to say I pulled this card in the present position because I was thinking about what I would learn today from meditating on a card – which indicated a time of new study and learning. It’s rather funny because I’ve been using tarot as a form of learning more about myself and how to be more aware while also being less judgmental, to just acknowledge things as they are without weighing my emotions as good or bad.
The other thing this card indicates is to try to have an open mind while collecting knowledge and to seek out sources one might typically not go to because of inherit biases. I guess in a way I’m simultaneously doing that already through my practice of tarot and examining different forms of witchcraft. I was raised as a prude who wasn’t allowed to explore different options because of my parents’ beliefs. Now that my life is somewhat stable in my adulthood I have the bandwidth to explore the “forbidden things” and am thoroughly enjoying it. I honestly don’t understand why a lot of Christians have an inherent fear of witchcraft, especially when from a witchcraft perspective one can simultaneously practice witchcraft and any form of religion. I’ve found my journey into witchcraft an extremely healing process…
This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.
I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?
Well, I ended up going to an impromptu birthday part for one of my good friends yesterday. It was lovely. At 4am today I woke up in some of the worst pain I’ve had in years. I did just change medications, and I’m wondering if that might have something to do with it. I know I didn’t overdo it yesterday because I made sure to pace myself. Nothing else makes a whole lot of sense. Even with my prescriptions pain medications, writing this now is quite difficult because I’m hurting to the point of it being extremely distracting. Maybe today I should think about forms of distractions … provided I can even find a distraction big enough … which I’m not sure is possible.
Nine of Fire
Attainment Detachment Restrictions
This card mainly focuses on how knowledge when applied to daily activities can make things easier. I think I’m still in the process of learning what the different kinds of pain mean and where they typically come from. Today I reached out to one of my doctors who recently changed one of my medications that messes with my hormones … which we hoped would be in a good way … but based on how I’m feeling and not knowing how to match my symptoms with anything else I’m guessing might be messing with them in a bad way. I don’t always know the answers, but I generally have a pretty good idea of where to go to start to find them. And I’m glad I use my voice to try to find them – particularly when I’m barely functional. Hopefully that makes sense. It’s the most I can explain right now.
This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.
I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?
Motivation who? We still don’t know her. Although I did have a little bit of fun today exploring a nearby park with some really nice walking, dare I say hiking, trails … I was glad I wore hiking boots at least. Today as I drew my card I asked if tomorrow should be more of a rest day or another adventure day.
Four of Earth – Inverted
I am apparently drawing most of my cards inverted this week.
Reliability Steady Progress Endurance
I find it interesting that I pulled a card that basically embodies “staying on the path for the long haul” when asking about whether or not to go on a hike tomorrow. When inverted it basically calls for not making snap decisions. The other key phrases used to describe the card is “rest and recharge” … so I guess I’ll wait to see how I feel when I get up tomorrow, but it’s most likely going to be a rest day — especially since my typical schedule builds in rest days around high activity days like today.
This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.
I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?
I still have almost no motivation, but here we go.
Eleven of Fire – Inverted
Passive Creation Masculine
Oh I have no doubt that my energies are unaligned and in need of balancing. If anything I’d say my energies are much more in protective as I am over halfway through my grieving process. Now I just need to somehow reactivate the nurturing part of myself to get that back into balance. I’m not really in a rush to fix it though. I know I’m out of whack, and I’m also regularly seeing a clinically licensed therapist to work through my depression. This week has been rather blah, but also I’ve gained some semblance of concentration again. Nothing feels super rewarding, but I can vicariously live through the characters of the books I’m reading again. At some point things should fix themselves. I’m aware I’m out of balance, but I’m not trying to force things back into balance. From my experience, trying to force something into working instead of developing something more constructing into working … well, it doesn’t go well. It’ll go, for a while, but it won’t go well. In the meanwhile, I’m just glad that things don’t feel bad. Negative self talk? Who is she? We don’t know her. With the help of therapy she mostly took herself out with the trash because she wasn’t healthy anymore. LoL But seriously though, that’s kind of a big deal for me to actually just be blah and not be beating myself up for being blah.
This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.
I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?
Apparently this week is the week of me having very little to no motivation to function at all. I’m still trying to do some stuff anyways though even if it is the bare minimum of getting a shower and sitting upright for 20 minutes.
Fourteen of Air – Inverted
Disciplined Commanding Rule-Oriented
I already cut the ties with the people in my life who did use their knowledge and power for manipulation — and I’m weirdly still mourning those people. Generally when I am mourning from the loss of someone I lose my ability to concentrate for extended periods of time so that reading becomes almost impossible, I’ll have very little interest in anything, and I have to force myself to do anything. I think I’m in the process of healing since I just regained my sense of focus when it comes to reading, most of the time. Now I’m just waiting for things to start feeling like something again. In the meanwhile, I guess I’m navigating the doldrums.
This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.
I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?
Today seems to be going pretty above average so far. I’ve actually done most of my basic hygiene self care, done some cardio, and cleaned a few things. I’m also looking forward to seeing some family this afternoon, so I think I’ll just do a guide spread again since I’ll need to head out relatively shortly.
Four of Water
I’m pretty sure I just had this card a few meditations ago, but it was reversed at the time. Let’s see what it brings us this time right side up.
Confidence Self-Belief Deserving
Ahh yes, I remember this now. This card reminds us to stop seeking perfection with binary thinking and to love our flaws since they also make us into who we are – kind of like Kintsugi (the broken Japanese pottery that gets put back together with gold filling the cracks). This is something I used to need reminded of constantly, and I think I may actually finally be getting to the point of accepting it. It doesn’t ring absolutely true with me yet, but saying it doesn’t feel so starkly false like it used to. Do I find confidence in it yet? No, but I am warming up to self-belief, and I do definitely hold the value of feeling deserving now … which I think is a pretty big breakthrough.
This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.
At the time of doing this little experiment I had a fitbit for a little over a month as a means to gather data to hopefully help doctors understand the weird things going on with my heart and sleep/passing out patterns. On August 13th I decided to try walking 10,000 steps per day for shiggles just to see what would happen.
For a little bit of background, for the month leading up to this experiment I had been tracking my typical sleep and movement habits. Usually I do a bit of physical and occupational therapy, some stationary biking, and whatever else I feel like I can do that particular day. I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome which means I’m constantly in pain from everyday movements because my connective tissue is wayyy too bendy and doesn’t hold my joints in place where they’re supposed to be. I also have cardiogenic syncope where sometimes my blood pressure just decides to drop for reasons unknown (I’m seeing a neurologist on September 28th because the electrophysiologist doesn’t know what to do with me). Oh, and let’s not forget that I also have asthma, vocal cord dysfunction, hypothyroidism, and am currently obese. I really need to stop playing Pokemon with all the health problems. If you’ve watched anything on Greg Doucette’s YouTube channel — I’m what he would probably classify as a Granda Josephine.
So, let’s take a look at some data. Here’s the week before the experiment:
Monday (Aug 9)
Tuesday (Aug 10)
Wednesday (Aug 11)
Thursday (Aug 12)
Friday (Aug 6)
Saturday (Aug 7)
Sunday (Aug 8)
Steps Per Day
1,001
11,225
2,996
7,199
4,677
3,244
7,645
Breathing Rate
13
13
13
12
12
13
13
Heart Rate Variability
25
23
26
23
36
35
27
Resting Heart Rate
79
80
82
82
76
75
77
Hours of Sleep
5hr 36min
8hr 51min
7hr 47min
7hr 59min
6hr 16min
8hr 55min
7hr 44min
Pass Out?
No
Yes 1hr 46min
No
No
No
No
No
Previous Week Data
And here’s the week of the experiment:
Monday (Aug 16)
Tuesday (Aug 17)
Wednesday (Aug 18)
Thursday (Aug 19)
Friday (Aug 13)
Saturday (Aug 14)
Sunday (Aug 15)
Steps Per Day
11,404
11,654
11,087
10,141
10,638
11,013
10,281
Breathing Rate
13
13
13
13
13
12
12
Heart Rate Variability
25
21
23
22
23
29
25
Resting Heart Rate
81
83
82
82
81
80
81
Hours of Sleep
7hr 2min
8hr 32min
7hr 27min
8hr 31min
7hr 25min
9hr 8min
9hr 44min
Pass Out?
No
No
No
No
No
No
No
10,000 Steps Per Day Week Data
When I went into this experiment I was expecting walking to be relatively easy on my body, I probably wouldn’t pass out since I wouldn’t be doing anything too heavy on my muscles, and I would maintain my heart rate variability and resting heart rate.
What really surprised me is that the cardio gains I had made quickly depleted. From just walking I could get my heart rate up a little, but not much. It was above resting but not enough to qualify as a cardio activity. For a frame of reference, the higher the heart rate variability the better and the lower the resting heart rate the better.
During the first couple of days, getting 10,000 steps in was a fun challenge, but that’s about where the fun ended. I can’t really go walking around by myself unless I feel really really good because of my cardiogenic syncope issues. I don’t exactly want to just pass out on the sidewalk and scare the neighbors, so I had to do the vast majority of these steps just around my house. Somewhere around days 2-4 I started noticing my lower back starting to hurt. This could partly be because I don’t wear shoes in my house and partly because I wasn’t doing my physical therapy exercises because I wanted to have an isolated experience. Either way, 0/10 would not recommend. Days 5-7 were both painful and highly annoying, so what did I learn? I really don’t like walking — at least not until I get a treadmill or can go walk outside. Also stationary biking or anything to get my heart rate up more is both much more entertaining to me and surprisingly much more beneficial. I was really surprised at how fast I lost my heart rate and variability progress. If anything, I’ve learned that I probably need to be doing cardio almost every day if I want my body to thrive. I already knew I had to do PT and OT consistently, but now I’m definitely adding cardio into that mix too.
Do I think walking is a bad form of exercise? PSHHHHH NO! It’s a great, low impact way to keep moving/staying active. Walking just won’t be a normal part of my routine because I rarely find joy in it, and it doesn’t help my body as much as other forms of staying active. I’ll still throw it into the mix every now and again, but it’s probably never going to be my main form of exercise. My mother-in-law really enjoys walking and regularly goes on long walks every day. I enjoy going with her, but I don’t enjoy walking on my own like she does. I’m super happy for people who like to walk and benefit from it. It just isn’t a thing for me to do on my own at this time in my life.
Have you ever done some health and wellness experiments just to see what would happen? What’s your favorite form of staying active? Let me know in the comments 💜
I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?
The theme of today is being tired, even with sleeping in. Energy? Who is she? We don’t know her. Since I’m operating on very limited spoons today and actually want to work on another blog/vlog project, I think I’m going with a guide spread again.
Seven of Fire – Reversed
Discovery Awareness Trust
I definitely do have a tendency to be dismissive of my feelings, so I’m not remotely surprised I pulled this card reversed. I will take this as a sign to definitely pace myself today and check in with my body frequently. I’ve already taken some extra time for myself to sleep in and put on my compression stockings, but I have a feeling the stockings aren’t going to be enough to give me back the energy stores I would prefer to have today. Today I will aim to not immediately dismiss my body saying “I’M TIRED” and try to work with it more than just pushing myself through the day.
This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.
TheBookishSock 