TheBookishSock

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

I woke up feeling well, but then I had some major chest and back pain that made me wonder “is this EDS pulling weird shenanigans or is this a heart attack”. So, yeah. Not a great day. I’m just going to do a guide spread today … because I’m tired and also I’m experiencing sporadic vertigo. Yay.

Five of Air

Criticism
Reality
Conditioning

I think I may have been holding onto the idea that my disability could be temporary — after all it didn’t really affect what I wanted to during my childhood and a whole two years of adulthood, right‽‽‽ I’ve accepted where I am now and that things will change quite a bit from day to day, but I’ve not accepted that this is permanent. This is something my partner pokes me about every now and again. They know that I try to ignore my circumstances and do things that set me back more often than they propel me forwards some times. They’re also pretty good about nudging me gently about it in a lighthearted way, but it still bothers me, not in a “you can’t tell me what to do” kind of way so much as it is a child making a sock puppet to mock whatever is being said. It’s a joke, but it’s also a teeny bit snippy.

I don’t know why I’m like this. Like, yes, I still need to have dreams and aspirations and keep moving forward, but, realistically, I don’t think I’m ever going to have a sense of complete independence ever again — and that’s a terrifying thought for me to deal with.

This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

I feel better than yesterday, but I’m still really struggling to stay motivated. I wasn’t sure if I should do a large spread or a single card today, so I asked my friend what to do. My friend asked me if I could pick something randomly — to which I said I could make a chart and roll a D4 (four sided die), and here we are.

1 – guide spread
2- union spread
3 – dreamer’s spread
4 – dreaming tree spread

*rolls die* That would be a 2, union spread it is.

The Focus/Aspect – Four of Earth

Steady Progress
Endurance
Perseverance

I’m not to give up even if “weariness dogs [my] every move”, eh? Sounds about right. Moving through life lately has felt like wading through peanut butter — it’s doable, but it’s painfully slow. Compared to about this time last year I have definitely come a long way. I rarely have to break out the rollator any more, I’m able to do some amount of exercise every day, and my mental health is a lot healthier than it used to be. I still have a ways to go to meet my goals, but just because I haven’t met them yet doesn’t mean I haven’t made a load of progress in the meanwhile.

The Soul – The Child

New Beginnings
Magic
Awareness

“Believing anything is possible if you are willing to try,” yeah, I mean, kind of? I have a tendency to be a bit cynical about it with emo levels of angst that accompany that optimism. I’m skeptical, but I do it anyways because that’s what a chunk of data suggests will work.

Let Two Become One – Eleven of Earth/Heaven

Mundane
Material
Immaterial

Ooooo this is interesting; I do have a tendency to struggle with thinking things are separate when they’re interrelated. This card also prompts the reader to remain mindful of the intentions we set with everything we do, turning the mundane into the magical.

Sometimes when I am tired I do things just to get them done instead of being mindful of what I’m doing. This often leads me to thinking “I haven’t done anything” or “what I’ve done isn’t ‘enough'”. What I need to remember is that every little step I take is magical – to mindfully step forward while in pain – that itself is a great accomplishment to be celebrated.

This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

All that stuff I did yesterday? Yeah … today is an active recovery day. My body is so confused. At some point I woke up in the middle of the night, faffed around a few seconds before going back to sleep, then I woke up thinking it was Saturday … Today is Tuesday … a very rainy Tuesday. And today I feel like doing a union spread.

The Focus/Aspect – Emotions

Acknowledgement
Acceptance
Expression

HOOOOOBOIIIIII have we been working on this this week. The focus of my reading today is, evidently, emotions. I’m still a bit in the beginning stages of acknowledging my emotions without judging them. I think I have been better about allowing myself to feel my emotions, but the next step would be to understand why I’m feeling those emotions in the first place. Today my emotions have ranged from confused to indifferent with little sprinkles of guilt and fear here and there. I can acknowledge them now, but I’m not entirely sure why I’m having them.

The Soul – Three of Earth

Groundwork
Energy Investment
Outcomes

Since this is in the soul position, the three of earth represents my strength in regards to emotion. I am definitely a long term planner with a lot of things. I like to think of it as setting myself up for success with my goals – hence why I’m here writing this blog post in the first place. These posts started a form of reflection so I could understand myself better and improve my overall quality of life.

This is also reminding me about the other part of what I’ve been doing to improve physically. My bloodwork this year has shown that I unequivocally need to lose weight – there’s just no other way of getting my cholesterol numbers down. Yes I tried the medication briefly — it gave me the weirdest headache with vertigo combo I’ve experienced (which is saying something). I got a dietician (which is board certified and a naming convention that actually meets a certain definition by law — unlike “nutritionist” which means absolutely nothing since there is no definition of how to meet that qualification under the law). We made a scientifically backed plan. The plan is doable, and I view it as a lifestyle change instead of a diet. It is completely sustainable. But sometimes, even though I’m doing everything right, the scale just won’t move for a week. It really make me feel defeated, but I keep sticking to the plan anyways even when it feels stupid — because eventually after doing the same thing the whole time things finally start to move again. I allow myself to feel that frustration, but I can’t allow myself to deviate from the plan.

Let Two Become One – The Crone – Inverted

Authenticity
New Purpose
Shadow Self

It is time to be fierce. It is time to fight back. Do not be afraid. Do not give up. The Crone reversed symbolizes the need to go to war if necessary to prove your worth, not to them, but to yourself.

Dreams of Gaia Tarot, p.54

Well, this is pretty self explanatory. I just need to continue to hold my determination to make myself better and follow that plan even if I need to cut people and the ways of thinking they gave me out of my life. So far I’ve accomplished one of those things — I did cut those people out of my life. Unlearning what my parents taught my in my first 26 years of existence however is a bit of a different story. I’ve already done a lot of deprogramming, but I also know that I have a lot more to go … particularly in regards to the feelings of guilt and fear that I’ve experienced today. I know how I got in the habit of feeling bad about my disability (being told I was making it up for attention for years, etc.). I know the words my therapist has used and that I use when I am feeling those feelings, but saying those words, those affirmations, hasn’t really made them feel truly authentic yet. I don’t really know if/when I’ll ever get there, but in the meantime I have a medically prescribed plan, and I’m sticking to it.

This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

Today I’m am feeling exhausted but proud of myself. I got up when my alarm went off, worked out, took a shower, dusted and rearranged my cookbook collection, and cleaned and reorganized half of the fridge. That is SOOOOO much more than I’ve been able to do in a long time. I’m starting to feel a little dizzy now, but I’m really hoping that it won’t turn into me passing out. In the meanwhile, let’s see what a single card has to say today.

Ten of Water

Serenity
Peace
Boundaries

The ten of water is really about living in the moment and looking to what brings you joy at the present. It’s about choosing to look at the glass being half full. It isn’t about toxic positivity where all you acknowledge are the nicer things, but rather it is more about observing the non-happy things from our past and letting those moments go so we can focus on the present instead of ruminating on that past.

I’ve actually been talking about this a good bit in my therapy sessions. I have a tendency to compare current me to past me. Current me is chronically ill. Past me was healthy and didn’t have to budget their energy stores. Part of what I have to remember with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and all of my other comorbidities is that my quality of life can change drastically from day to day. Sometimes what I need to focus on isn’t what I wish I could do right now … but what I actually can do right now. It’s normal to feel a sense of frustration with this, but it’s not productive to stay mad at what I can’t do right now. Instead, it’s better to thank my past self, acknowledge my present self, and try to find an activity that I enjoy and can do.

Today I’m using pacing techniques to make sure I don’t overdo it when I feel good and notice when to take longer breaks as I deplete my energy stores throughout the day. If you’d like to learn more about that process I’d highly recommend checking out this article from the NHS.

This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

Today my friend is pulling a card for me from Tarot of the Abyss by Ana Tourian. We are doing a partial celtic cross.

Two of Swords

Truth
Decision
Impasse

Today in therapy I talked about my frustration about still caring for the toxic people I had to cut out of my life. I was/am frustrated with myself for still caring. What my therapist reminded me of however is that 1) that is completely normal to care for someone who abused you and 2) caring about people is not a bad thing and 3) allowing yourself to feel your emotions is important. I have a tendency to be angry at myself for having emotions even though that’s just a part of the human condition.

The Devil

Despair
Isolation
Self Doubt

I had been doubting my decision to go no contact. I know that I set myself healthy boundaries, and I’m proud of myself for enforcing them. But it still sucks that I needed to enforce those boundaries with my own parents. When I’m feeling frustrated and sad I have a tendency to want to go off on my own to deal with those feelings, but sometimes the isolation itself just makes those feelings worse.

Three of Wands

Activity
Goal
Implementation

My goal moving forward with this is in two parts. 1) I need to allow myself to feel my feelings without passing judgement on those feelings. I don’t need to be mad at myself for still caring. Caring is only natural and is a part of who I am. 2) I was already debating setting up an experiment to try to find my “that girl” routine. I like the idea of routines, and I like that the “that girl” trend is a form of self care of accomplishing the goals one sets out to do.

Three of Cups

Toast
Hope
Fun

As I move forward and implement the changes of allowing myself to feel my feelings and reaching for my aspirations, I fully expect those things to bring me a sense of joy. As I go on my journey I have been sharing it on the internet. Perhaps others will join in on my story and we can say a toast to ourselves for trying to become better people during this thing we call life.

Two of Cups

Balance
Love
Interdependent

This one I actually view as purely internal. I’ve always felt a large sense of a schism in my mind between the logical and emotional sides of myself. While going through therapy and taking the time out of my day for meditation I hope I am building a stronger sense of connection of my psyche so that those two parts of myself don’t feel so distant anymore and can automatically work in tandem. At the moment those things don’t completely align, but as I’ve gone on my healing journey with therapy they have slowly been coming closer and closer together like mending a hole in a tapestry. I know I still have a good bit of mending to do, but it actually feels doable now that I’m acknowledging the emotional side of myself.

Five of Cups

Loss
Sorrow
Hope

One of the biggest impactful decisions I have made in my life thus far was to set those healthy boundaries for myself after doing a LOT of introspection. While I have literally had to lose my family members over this, I do feel a sense of hope of finding my new family that does respect me for who I am and does not abuse me or ignore my boundaries. There’s an old saying “Blood is thicker than water” but the full saying is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb” aka “You’re chosen family is wayyy more important than your birth family”.

Overall, the reading today feels very on the nose — especially after going to my therapy session this morning and getting rather riled up about it.

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

Today I’m just pulling a single card while asking how to work through depression – because it really doesn’t seem to be budging this week even though I’ve been forcing myself to do things.

Four of Water – Inverted

Awareness
Self-Acceptance
Deserving

Not inverted this card makes sense for this question. Inverted, I’m not so sure. I don’t really feel like I’m on the precipice of making decisions right now that could help me but also negatively affect other people in my life. Maybe it’s just an overall symbol of the need to be more kind and accepting of how things are both to myself and others around me. It’s really hard to love yourself through depression. I know I need to do it. I know I need to perform basic acts of self care like brushing my teeth and hair and actually putting on clothes. These should be easy tasks that I don’t even have to think about, and yet most days lately these feel like monumental tasks.

Actually, maybe that’s the takeaway of it being inverted. Some days having depression makes me not give a single fuck if I decide to do basic self care – and that could be affecting my spouse. I mean yes, it’s my body and my autonomy and all that jazz, but we’re social creatures and have a tendency to reflect each other’s energy. What’s weird about my depression (and is something I’m working on) is that I don’t give a flying flip if I take care of myself as long as the people around me are taken care of. (I grew up in a household that taught you can’t take care of yourself until you take care of the loudest whining person … even if you’re burning the candle at both ends … because if you don’t do that then you’re being selfish — which is super toxic and something I’m desperately trying to unlearn.) The end goal eventually is to shift my thinking to taking care of my basic needs first so I have energy to give to others that isn’t stressful and filled with negativity. In the interim, perhaps it would be easier to shift my thinking to “taking care of myself is taking care of my partner, so I better tend to my basic needs.” Perhaps those two modes of thought are very similar, but I think they carry a slightly different connotation to me at the moment.

This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

Today I’m just pulling a single card without asking anything again. Now my mental and physical health are both kinda bad. On the plus side I somehow managed to haul a 90lb/41kg box into my house, unpack it, and build the stationary recumbent bike by myself. On the downside I’m now paying for lifting well above my usual weight capacity days later. Yayyyyyyyy. Also, sometimes I use Inverted and Reversed interchangeably — it there’s an actual difference in tarot terminology please let me know via the comments.

Eight of Air – Inverted

Power
Responsibility
Lessons Learned

I’m going to take this as an encouraging reminder to continue some form of journaling (like this) and as a prompt to stop reliving my past. I have a tendency to dwell on the past a good bit — especially if I viewed what happened as rather dramatic. Like I said in my last post, I’m still in the process of essentially grieving the loss of my parents. They’re not dead, but they have to be dead to me unless they decide they want to make a significant change in how they treat me. I’m still incredibly angry about it and find myself asking, “Why did they make this choice?” and “Why did they choose to treat me that way?”. I really need to stop living in the past and move on. I suspect the grieving process will still take a while longer. I’m scheduled to talk to my therapist about it on Friday since we didn’t have enough time to unpack that last week. Maybe with both tarot guided meditations and therapy I’ll speed up the process or at least acknowledge my feelings and observe whatever process I need to go through to heal.

This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

Today I’m just pulling a single card without asking anything again. Much like yesterday, my mental health today just really isn’t great. Ugh.

Thirteen of Water – Reversed

Compassionate
Vulnerable
Emotional Honesty

I think part of the reason I’ve been a bit out of sorts for a while lately is because I’m still grieving the fact that I did have to go no contact with my parents. It really sucks that doing that was necessary. Every now and again I wonder if it was the right decision, but then I reflect on how much better my life is now that I don’t have to deal with them constantly ignoring my boundaries. Perhaps the Queen of Water has appeared to warn me to stick to my decision since I spent about two years cautiously making it.

I’m also just generally struggling with depression – I’m not particularly excited for anything, and moving for anything is just stupidly hard right now. Perhaps she is also here to caution me to not shut down and shut everything out. When things get bad I have a tendency to try to ignore my feelings and shove them all in a box in the corner until the box explodes. It sucks that my feelings right now feel like the epitome of “BLAH” but I still need to acknowledge them and work through it instead of ignoring it.

This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

Today I’m just pulling a single card without asking anything again. My mental health today just really isn’t great. I’m having a very blah, tired day where I can barely get motivated to tend to basic hygiene — like after this I need to go brush my teeth and hair even though I’ve already been awake for 4 hours (these are normally tasks I do within the first 30 minutes). Ugh.

Seven of Air

Spirituality
Personal Dogma
Indoctrination

Ok this is kind of funny to me. Yesterday I was talking with my best friend about how I’ve been working on deprogramming unhealthy habits I learn in childhood so that I can break out of all-or-nothing thinking, try to see multiple different ways of accomplishing the same task, and work on the power of thought. We were talking about how some of the traditional witchcraft books talk so literally about the power of Will and Magic. I was a bit confused since, as I’m agnostic, I wasn’t really feeling a connection with the words talking about literal magic. However, what my friend pointed out was that we don’t need the magic to actually be real so much as it is a thought exercise – and if it’s real in the imagination then that’s real enough. It’s really all about centering thoughts and intentions, and if imagination helps with that then that’s all that really matters. Just because it’s make-believe doesn’t mean it can’t be real or have real impacts.

All forms of belief can lead to peace and a healthy sense of wellbeing or to extreme and fundamentalist behavior. All paths can be born of independent knowledge and understanding, indoctrination, or a mix of both. Each choice, even the choice not to believe in the Divine, requires that you believe in something, even if that something is that a belief in anything other than our physical reality is a symptom of a deranged mind.

– Dreams of Gaia, p. 205

The main point of the seven of air is a reminder to look at our beliefs and asses if they’re making us a better person or just making us closed off. I think this meditation series is going pretty great. And judging by how my conversation went yesterday I may have a tendency to be close minded, but I’m still asking questions and seeking others’ insights on things I feel blocked with — and that makes me pretty happy. It means I still see room to grow, which is a core tenant I hope I believe in until death.

This card was pulled from Ravynne Phelan’s Dreams of Gaia Tarot set which comes with its own guide book since it’s a bit of a cross between a standard and oracle deck.

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

Today I’m just pulling a single card without asking anything again. I’m having a rather high pain day which also means the brain fog is very much here. It’s hard to concentrate when several body parts are ever so slightly subluxed all at once.

The Fool – Inverted

Possibility
Instinct
Transition

In readings the Fool speaks to us of courage and optimism, urging faith in ourselves and in life. At difficult times, when we come under pressure from people around us to be practical, the Fool reminds us that our own inner selves can best tell us what to do. The Fool can often symbolize beginnings, courageously leaping off into some new phase of life, particularly when that leap is taken from some deep feeling rather than careful planning. … In general, a reversed card indicates that the qualities of that card have become blocked, distorted or channelled in another direction. For the Fool a reversal means first of all a failure to follow your instincts. It can mean not taking a chance at some crucial time, because of fear or depending too much on plans and the practical advice of others.

– Seventy Eight Degrees of Wisdom, p.28-29

In this deck, the Fool features two forms of familiars — a bird in a cage being toppled off the precipice of what is presumably a table by a cat. The only times I can think of recently when I haven’t followed my instincts is related to my eating habits. There have been times when according to my food log I should be eating more so I go get something even though I’m not necessarily hungry at the time. Please keep in mind also that I’m keeping an eye on these things because my bloodwork this year is rather atrocious and I NEED to make some changes because my body does not tolerate the recommended accompanying medication. Aside from eating habits, I’ve also been playing around with movement happens to see if my weird, painful body will allow me to move more. At the moment I’m in the middle of a week of aiming for 10k steps per day just to see how that feels.

I’m going to view this more as a refresher to really stay in tune with how I’m physically feeling since I know I have created blocks for that in the past which I am actively still working on trying to repair. Maybe I don’t always need to pay attention to eating more food because a logging tool recommends it — that I should wait until I actually have a hunger cue, but also not so late that I’m ravenous and likely to overeat. On Friday I’ll be able to make my final call on how I feel about doing 10k steps per day, but I already have an inclination of the changes I’ll make moving forward. Stay tuned for more on that one.

This card was pulled from the The Ink Witch Tarot Deck by Eric Maille which I used in conjunction with Rachel Pollack’s 40th Anniversary Edition of Seventy Eight Degrees of Wisdom.