My Meditation Journey | Episode 37

I’m starting this blog series in an attempt to find my way to “chill” because yo gorl has almost no chill – only now instead of that being a personality trait it’s causing hormonal fluctuations that my body doesn’t know how to process anymore which then leads to me passing out … which is no bueno. I consider myself agnostic because I’m not sure there is/are a god/s, but I’m not going to tell you they can’t possibly exist either. I do however enjoy the idea of trying out different forms of meditation to see if any of them will work for me, which brings me to my latest adventure – using tarot cards as a point of focus for meditation. Let’s see what cards I pull today, shall we?

The Abyss Spread

A reading specific to the deck Tarot of the Abyss by Ana Turian, performed in help with a friend.

Who you are
The Eight of Wands

  • Freedom
  • Speed
  • Forward Motion

All about the active force of fire and keeping the project in motion with a renewed sense of enthusiasm, I’ve recently been feeling more like myself and like I have a sense of control, maybe not of my body, but of my intentions and where I choose to focus my intentions. It’s something I’ve been working on in therapy, and I feel like the work is beginning to pay off. 

Where you are at in your life right now
Ten of Wands

  • Burdens
  • Challenges
  • Exhaustion

This card reminds one to shift their focus to prioritize themselves for a change, and boy howdy does this feel relevant. Recently I had to make a decision, do I try to overextend my mind and body to help a beloved person in my life or do I continue on my current path which focuses predominantly on healing? Though it is a difficult thought process for me to grapple with, I ultimately chose to continue to take care of myself. I believe the old turn of phrase for this is, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. To most people this would automatically make sense and perhaps not even be a question, but coming from my background if very much was. I’m glad that I took a moment to step back and truthfully evaluate what I’m capable of to come to the right decision.

What your spirit wants
Seven of Wands

  • Courage
  • Strength
  • Tenacity

I have a feeling that I may have to end up defending the position I took with my interpretation of the Ten of Wands. To see this come up as a sign that my spirit is aligned with my decision is comforting. I may need to defend myself from the abusers that may try to worm their way back into my life, but I will remain steadfast in my decisions because those decisions came from a very healthy place for a reason.

Your doubts and fears
Three of Wands

  • Momentum
  • Implementation
  • Trust of Preparation

I very much have a tendency to second guess myself even when I know I’ve done the best I can and that I took the proper amount of time and energy devoted to making that decision. Seeing this card come up in the doubts and fears position is hilarious because I already know that I do this quite frequently. Perhaps it is a reminder to listen to myself, even in the previous writings of this post.

The past that influenced you
Seven of Cups

  • Wishful Thinking
  • Fantasy
  • Reality

I very much enjoy Fantasy as a genre, it is often my escape from my reality when I just can’t handle what’s happening in my life. It’s also something I turn to in general just for entertainment even when things are going well. I avoided the truth of needing to take care of myself for a very long time until it finally started manifesting itself physically; being able to take that action took me a very long time to do, but I’m glad I did it. 

What you need to focus on
Five of Pentacles

  • Hardship
  • Illness
  • Health

I’m literally about to shell out a ton of money to get some answers about my health in the month of November. ‘nough said.

What you should be grateful for
Two of Swords

  • Masks
  • Decision
  • Impasse

I was at an impasse on healing for a chunk of my life. Now I look at my past not as a place I’m stuck in but as a place to acknowledge and heal from. I’m grateful I’ve taken the steps towards healing and moving on from that place where I was stuck for so very very long.

What you need to let go of
Page of Wands

  • Optimism
  • Initiative
  • Stoking the Fire

I still to live in my past, in my past abilities with my past optimism that I can do anything I set my mind to. Now I look at my reality and realize that I am in a defective body and that perhaps reaching for those old goals is not only not realistic but also causing me more distress by reaching for things that I legitimately cannot have anymore. I’m not throwing optimism in general out the window, but it may be helpful to pull my head out of the clouds and look towards more suitable goals.

What does the universe want you to know
Queen of Swords

  • Centered
  • Calm
  • Reflection

I think this just reaffirms that I’m on the right track. I haven’t always wanted to find my truths, but the Queen faces those truths head on. What I’m working towards now is affirming my center and finding my sense of peace and calm. 

What some of your strengths are

  • Balance
  • Acceptance
  • Stability

I feel like this is a core value that I strive for. I’m not sure I always execute it well, but my goals and intentions reach for finding balance and stability amongst the chaos. Like, when I’m angry I know I need to take a step back, breathe, and try to see things from a different angle than where I’m coming from, then coming back to make a decision from a sense of acceptance. 

What you can accomplish
Knight of Cups

  • Control
  • Direction
  • Focus

Oh this feels like hitting a nail on the head again, going back again to having intention and steering that intention. I still don’t feel like I know what I’m doing yet, but I know that with practice in setting my intentions that it will get easier in time. 

What you’ve learned
Four of Cups

  • Indifference
  • Apathy
  • Ignoring Opportunities

Ok the cards are officially at it again. I’ve definitely been in a place of apathy. Heck, this week is the first time in ages that I don’t feel completely apathetic about life. I’ve learned from my past that sometimes you have to be open to the possibilities and opportunities that are out there, because you might not see them unless you go looking for them — even if they’re right under your nose.

Potential future outcome

  • Fairness
  • Inner Voice
  • Equilibrium

I mean yeah, it makes sense that this would be a possible future outcome based on what I’m currently working on in general. I’m looking to solidify my inner voice based on my intention and not that of others, evaluating what I find to have true value, and acting accordingly.

Published by Victoria Mendes

I'm just a house-wife trying to cook good meals on a budget.

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